Min Jin’s Testimony

Prayer: Father in Heaven, May this small testimony only show that You are the Creator and Author of salvation. Not by what I have done which is meaningless, but I have been saved through Your Grace and power. I pray that this testimony will show that power so that they may know You are the True and Living God and Christ is the only way. You and You alone be glorified. You deserve all praise. I pray in Your Son Jesus Christ’s name. Amen

Many of you guys might recognize me since I was a youth group teacher here about three years ago. Many of you guys might remember me to be someone who may have believed in God and had a great faith. However, it has only been recently that I truly believe that Jesus Christ had died for me and it has truly been something that God has done and nothing that I could do.
This journey of meeting Christ took twenty six years.  Although I can start from the beginning, God has put it in my heart to focus my life as a college student.

I went to church since I was very young. You can even say that I went to church even since I was in my mother’s womb. As I grew up in Sunday School, I would sing songs of Jesus and I would also pray to God. I never doubted that God had existed and even since I was young, I knew that Jesus Christ had died for me because of something called sin. He also died for me because He loved me. It was only until my junior year in high school did I really challenge if God had really existed. During this time, I tested and cursed at God because I felt I was entitled for God to bless me because I served and did all these things for Him. This history and repetition of blaming and cursing God doesn’t stop when I was in high school but also as I went to college.

As a freshman in college, I felt that I can take on the world. I was so excited to go to college mainly because I was excited to finally meet people my age in church. There would be a lot more people than the youth group. I graduated easily in the top ten percent of my class in high school with honors and I entered into college majoring in pre-pharmacy- hoping to get into pharmacy school when the time came.

As a freshman in college, I wanted to serve in the church because it was exciting. I wanted to fit in, I wanted to make friends, and especially I wanted people to know that I had a big faith. I know the main idea of the gospel- Jesus came down to this earth and He came to die for my sins. I am a sinner, and I am bad, and this is why He had died for me. If we believe in Him, we will gain eternal life. I can recite many Bible verses and I have a lot of knowledge of Bible stories that through these I had thought that this is the evidence of being saved. I never questioned or thought about it.  As my knowledge of the Bible grew  during my first year in college, I felt it was time for me to get baptized. I felt that I knew a lot more of who Jesus was and what He had done that I got baptized Easter of 2003. And the moment I had gotten baptized on that day, I thought everything was going to be all right. I’m going to follow God and I am going to be victorious. But instead, everything went wrong.

I just recently graduated college. Yes, I entered college in the fall of 2002 and I graduated school in December 2010. After my freshmen year in college, everything went wrong. The second semester of my freshmen year, I received my first D ever in my whole life. I started to lose a lot of self-esteem. College is a lot harder than I thought. I didn’t think Pre-Pharmacy was something that I wanted to do anymore.  My second year, I begged my parents that I wanted to change my major, but instead of listening to my request, they wanted me to continue with pre-pharmacy. That second year, I was so miserable.  I didn’t like it, and I didn’t want to do it. I barely passed all my classes that second year. Then, I changed my major to Math Education because my parents finally consented. However, third and fourth year, again, this time, I didn’t barely pass, I failed, not once, not twice, but many more classes that I cannot count them. As I found failure in my life, I couldn’t see God, I couldn’t feel God, and I couldn’t hear God. I wondered all this time, “If God was with me, then He would surely let me pass and do well in school.”  I was tired and I felt hopeless.

As my fourth year in college was ending, I started to become anxious as many of my friends moved away from Austin, I wanted to avoid being lonely. My brother had gone to Korean Baptist Church of Austin by the end of my fourth year. He went and helped out with the youth group. My parents were also attending this church. I was the only family member that was not attending this church so I prayed about coming here. I really felt that God wanted me to come  and help out with the youth group. So, I made the decision and left Acts and came back to the church that I had attended as a child and as a youth.

I stayed at KBCA for two more years. These are my fifth and sixth year of college. I continued to fail my classes. I continued to become more depressed. The only thing that I held on during this time of my life was actually the youth group. Not God, not Christ, but the success of the youth group. The youth group was getting bigger and bigger. Seeing the youth group grow and being able to serve the youth group actually was the only thing in my mind that didn’t go wrong. I even equated that I was growing “in Christ” dependent on the youth group’s number and status.  As these two years went by, I became burdened and burnt out. I had nothing to give to the youth. I had no more wisdom, I had no more knowledge, and my depression was showing more and more. I wanted to hide it.  However, that summer  I had a very long talk with one of my professors. I failed many math courses during the past couple of semesters, and my professor finally wanted to meet up with me and tell me  that I needed to change my major. He told me continuing on with this major was actually not the best idea.  When this news was given to me, I cried a lot and I wanted to die. That day, my cousin was with me, and she asked me what was wrong. However, I didn’t say a word. We both went to church for VBS preparation, and I went into the sanctuary and cried and cried. God didn’t answer still.  I couldn’t hear Him, and I couldn’t see Him.

Fall of 2007, without telling my parents, I changed my major  to Human Development and Family Sciences. I couldn’t tell my parents that I had changed my major yet again. I couldn’t even tell them that I failed so many classes that I had to change my major. I asked God to have mercy this time, and I prayed that He would allow me  to pass and do well with the classes   so that I wouldn’t be ashamed of telling my parents the decision that I had made. I couldn’t bear telling my parents. I thought that I had hit rock bottom and I couldn’t even go any lower. As fall semester started,I was doing really well, but there was devastating news that also affected my life. In October of 2007, my grandfather was found with a malignant brain tumor that nothing could be done.. To make this story short, my grandfather’s life, which was to live for a maximum of six months , was cut short on December 13, 2007. He passed away. The news of my grandfather’s diagnosis, deteriorating condition, and death had also affected my semester in school. Again, I failed some of my courses that semester.

During the two years I was at KBCA, I didn’t grow in knowledge of the Bible. I went to first service at times and there are times I didn’t even go  at all. When I listened to the pastor’s sermon, I kept telling myself that he was monotonous, he was boring, he was too smart for me, and of course my Korean isn’t that good. The pastor’s sermon did not get through to me. I would also fall asleep during his sermon purposely because I needed that extra hour of sleep. Plus, I didn’t want to listen.  As I look back at this time, I can only see myself being proud and arrogant. I even said to myself that I was too good to go to the services because I already know the meaning of the Word even to the point that I didn’t need the pastor to preach to me about who Jesus Christ was. I knew who Jesus Christ was. He died for me. He shed His blood for me. However, these words meant nothing to me. I was tired of serving and I was also tired of all the failure that I had. “I can’t find God here at KBCA. He isn’t here…,” I thought. So, by the beginning of 2008, I left  the youth group and went back to Acts.

I could only think that making this decision was going to make my life better. I am going to actively seek God now. I am going to actively read my Bible now. Instead, for a year, I became what I never thought I would become- a Sunday Christian. I would go to Sunday service, I would fall asleep during the sermon, and I would immediately go home. I did this every week for almost a year. I felt dead and numb. I could have just not gone to services at all, but because it was a routine I did everyday since I was born, I felt guilty not going to church. Week after week, I played this game. I also accepted a position to lead the lady’s small group for the young adults’ ministry by the end of the year. On the outside, I showed a self that was innocent, that looked pure, and that looked like someone who had a lot of faith. Instead, on the inside I know that I was not. I was in denial though. I couldn’t see through my depravity of who I really was. I still thought I was better than a lot of people. Through this time, I found comfort on the computer. From video-gaming to watching pornography to finding comfort in the people that I have never met, this was my depravity. I was so blind to see this. Still, I uttered to God, “God, even though I do these things, I am still not that bad of a sinner. “

2009 had come. Nothing had changed. Instead of going to Acts now, my parents asked me to go the church they had started to attend . They wanted me to help with the youth group there because the church was small and they needed a lot of help. Although I didn’t see how I could do this, my parents pressured me to attend their church. So I did… and I worked with the youth group. Not long later my parents had also pressured me to play  the piano for the choir. As I did these things, my life did not change. Computer life- the same.  Acting pure and innocent on the outside- the same. Acting righteous and just on the outside-the same. However, I was angry and everything and everyone. I was most angry with God. All this time while I served in the church, I couldn’t believethat God had  put me into this position. I had no peace. “God, I am serving in Your name, and what is the thanks that I get?” I thought.

On the day of my birthday, March 28, 2010, instead of having birthday blessings from my brother, he barged into my room while I was playing games and had me sit down next to him. He made me face reality. He told me on that day bluntly that I was ruining my life. He had seen quietly all the failure and burden that I had in my life. He asked me if I had any friends. He asked me what do I do other than coming home and stay on the computer for hours. I wanted him to just be quiet. I yelled at him that day that he would never understand. He would never understand why I became this type of person. . Yet, of all the two years of playing this game, my brother was the first person that cried of my depravity. That day, we both cried and we prayed. He had prayed for me that day. I wanted to be out of this prison. I wanted to go out so badly, but I seriously had nowhere to turn to. Where do I go God? I know that I have to turn to You, but where do I go?

A month passed, and nothing happened. Then, almost another month passed and I went to my cousin’s house to eat dinner. My aunt and I had talked that night and I had expressed my bitterness of being in the situation that I was in at the church. As I shared this anger and bitterness, my aunt had only prayed and cried for me. I had never seen anyone pity me. She had suggested to me, “Min Jin, maybe you should try to go to the singles ministry at KBCA, maybe you should go and do the discipleship training classes.” My aunt said to me, “Min Jin, I think I am going to ask someone from SALT to call you to invite you there.” At this point, I didn’t really care if they did or not. I didn’t say yes nor did I say no. If it happens, then it happens, if they never call me, then it doesn’t happen. I didn’t want to expect or anticipate anything anymore. However, the phone call came, and the invitation came. All I can remember during my first SALT worship is  telling God, “God, I have no idea why I am  here. My Korean isn’t that good, and I remember how hard it is to understand the pastor’s sermon, I don’t even know anyone here… and could I get along with people here? All I know is, I believe You allowed me to come here and if You have plans here make it clear to me.” This was the start of something I would never have imagined it to be.

God’s grace had been evident from the moment that I took that step to come. The only thing that God had actually put on my mind this summer is, “Min Jin, don’t worry about making friends or trying to fit in, but instead, you need to work your salvation out with trembling and fear.” I didn’t want to be at another church that I didn’t belong or fit into. God had been gracious during this time; He didn’t fail me from the beginning.  Yet, during this summer, my habits, my obsessions, my depravity did not go away. I still fell asleep during sermons many times, but little by little, pastor’s messages have started to make sense.

In the end of the summer, by God’s power and grace, I was able to go to the retreat. During this time, God showed me how powerful His Words are and how much I should hold on to it. During this time, I realized also that all that I have done and served for God was actually meaningless. It hit me that all these things I have done- served in leadership at church, served in the youth group, playing the piano for the choir- all these things that I had proclaimed that I did for the glory of God- I had secretly and quietly thought that God would keep in mind when I was in front of the gates of heaven.  God made me repent for these things and He showed me how wicked these things were and they were meaningless to Him. As I came back from the retreat, I felt that God had saved me. Now I believe in the power of the Word. I thought God gave me the reason to read His Word every day. I knew what Jesus’s death and resurrection meant; it was the death and resurrection of me. So I thought… yes God saved me.

As I turned in my testimony for the retreat to the pastor, the pastor replied back to me and told me to think about my sins and the cross. I had no idea what he meant, and the next message followed with thirteen questions that the pastor wrote for me to answer. Reading these questions, I was so annoyed by them. Although I gracefully accepted the questions that the pastor had given me, I thought to myself, “목사님, just because I answer these questions and give you the right answer doesn’t mean I am saved.” I know I am saved. Even after the retreat, God had really changed me already. My addictions, my obsessions have gone. I read the Word almost every single day, and I felt such a big change in my life. These Words really gave life to me every day. The Word is what I looked forward to, and even through the Word, God had spoken to me and answered my prayers. I felt like a new creation. I even understood what the pastor was saying in his sermons and did not fall asleep. However, as time and time passed, I still didn’t understand the reason Jesus had died for me. I know He had died for me to give me new life, but as 목사님 asked me to focus on my sins and on the cross, I was still confused. “I’m very sure that Christ had died for my sins,” I thought. However more and more, I started to pause and began to doubt whether He really did. I repented all of my sins. Yes, I have nothing else to repent for. I was weighed down by these thoughts, but I couldn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want to tell anyone. I was afraid to admit this because of my own pride and my fear of what people would think of me.

As the Fall semester started, I made a decision to take 예수님을 만난 사람들, because I felt that I didn’t really experience Jesus Christ. I know I have experienced God, the Father and His grace, but deep down inside as taking 한가족 Bible Study, I didn’t understand why Jesus was actually so important. 목사님 kept emphasizing that goals are all pointed toward Christ. My life and my purpose they all point to Jesus Christ. Yes, He died for my sins but I didn’t understand the full meaning. I could love God the Father, but when I really had to think about Jesus, I didn’t understand why people loved Christ so much.

God had shown me a lot of things during the time I took the discipleship training. God had spoken to me at this time and told me to let go of my knowledge of the Bible. All this time, I equated my knowledge of the Bible to having a relationship with God. All this time, I read these stories as if Jesus was only talking to the people in the Bible. I read these stories as if I was a spectator seeing Jesus perform miracles and preaching to the people.  However, I started to realize that Jesus was also speaking directly to me.

The third week of 예만사 was when it began to become really hard. . I struggled with sharing what Jesus was telling me in the first reflection passage- the tree of knowledge of good and evil. . When it was my turn, I shared based off of what I learned from the retreat- my own knowledge and understanding of the Bible.  The pastor asked me that day, “Did God cover you also- just like Adam and Eve?” I started to put a wall around me and I said, “Yes.” The pastor continued to ask me even more questions and I don’t quite remember the questions that he asked me, but all I remember is without listening I said, “yes, yes, yes, yes.” Inside, I was so annoyed and so angry with the pastor asking me these questions. . It was threatening my safety and my comfort. I didn’t want the pastor to question my salvation anymore. Yet, instead of peace, I was haunted by fear that night. God would not let me go. God kept haunting me of the 예만사 class and it kept replaying in my head, and I was so afraid to admit that I really didn’t feel that I was saved at the next class. How could I admit that I am not saved? What would people think of me? I felt I couldn’t breathe and I felt so helpless.

After a day of haunting fear, I prayed to God before I went to bed, “God, you know that I love you. You know that I rather go wherever You go and this really comes from deep down inside my heart. God, why does it feel like I am not saved? God, I repented for my sins, I see transformation in my life, but how come I don’t feel like I am saved? How come I don’t understand the importance of You covering me just like You had covered Adam and Eve?”

Thursday morning, I started to read the next passage for 예만사 class. John 8:31-59. I read these verses, and the first time I read it, they made me very uncomfortable. I didn’t understand at first why Jesus said what He said. I read it several times that morning and I answered the reflection questions. By evening, I understood for the first time who I was before God. I was the Jews who had believed Him.

John 8:31-32: So Jesus was saying to those Jews who had believed Him, “If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth and the truth will make you free.

“What do you mean Jesus? Of course I am free.”

John 8:34: “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is a slave of sin.”

“God, you know that I love you, you know that I would do anything for you.”

John 8:37: “Min Jin, I know that you are of Abraham’s descendants, but yet you seek to kill Me”

“No, I would never seek to kill you… never…”

“My Word has no place in you… you seek to kill Me…  you are doing the deeds of your father…  you cannot hear My word, you are of your father the devil… he was a murderer from the beginning…. Does not stand in the truth…. He speaks a lie…. He speaks from his own nature…. For he is a liar and the father of lies…. I speak the truth, you do not believe Me.”

“No, Jesus is this really you speaking? I can’t believe you are accusing me of these things. No, you can’t be Jesus.. no… Stop it! This isn’t love. I don’t want to hear this anymore, these are all lies.. Jesus you would never say these things to me.”

John 8:58: “Truly, Truly, I say to you, before Abraham was born, I am”
John 8:59: Therefore they picked up stones to throw at Him…

This is the most shocking thing that I had ever read. I could imagine myself right there, I would have been the first to pick up a stone and throw it for all the things Jesus had said to me. I read this over and over, and I could only cry what I have seen in myself. Yes… I am of the devil. Yes… I can’t hear Jesus… Yes… I am a murderer. I wanted to kill Christ there, and this showed me also that I was someone who had crucified Jesus on the cross. I was so shocked I read this passage each and every day until the next 예만사 meeting. Seeing Jesus from afar, I love Him so much, but as He comes closer and as He speaks to me directly, I want to hide from Him. I want  to tell Him to be quiet and deny what I really am. I want to tell Jesus that He’s wrong. He doesn’t know me; He doesn’t know why I am like this. Then, I wanted to stone Him. When I read this and I prayed, I couldn’t ask even God to forgive me. I deserve to die. I wanted to kill His own Son, how could God even forgive me for all of these things?

As I shared this during the next meeting of 예만사, I was only lost in thought. I couldn’t get out. I felt there was no hope. How can I be saved now? 

Until the next day, just like that. I now saw why Jesus had died for me. It was not only because I did bad things, the things that I could see. No, Jesus died for my whole self. The one who hated God, the who wanted to kill Jesus, the one who was a murderer, the one who wanted to be her own master, the one who did not have the Word in her. This was me. Yet, this is why He had died for me knowing that I was all these things. It should have been me on that cross, but Jesus had died in my place. I realized that in John 8:31-59, Jesus told me these things to set me free.

“If you continue in my word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” John 8:31-32
“Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is the slave of sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son does remain forever. So if the son makes you free, you will be free indeed.”
John 8:34-36

Amen. Jesus came here to set me free. It was a promise; the Son makes me free; I am free indeed. Everything that I was, it was on that cross with Jesus Christ; my old self, I died. Yet, as I deserve to die, Jesus had resurrected and I had risen with Him. He gave me His life. He gave me His body and His blood so that it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. He is not just my Savior, but He is my Lord. He is my life.  Amen. This was the new life that I have in Christ, and every time I think of this moment. I ask God, “Why did you do this? Who am I that You love me?” God’s love, what Christ had done, this love is so unexplainable and indescribable. This is how much He loves me. I can only thank God and I can only love God for His wonderful grace and love that He has given me. All the shame of my old life has been gone, and only a new life has begun.

God has been true to His promises to me since that day. I was worried, “God, what if what you have shown me is not what I really saw… what if I’m only thinking of this to myself?” Yet, this verse came into my mind and comforted me:
"I am about to die, but God will surely take care of you and bring you up from this land to the land which He promised on oath.." (Gen 50:24). What are you worried about Min Jin? It is me, your Savior and King who will SURELY take care of you.... Jesus will lead me and only by His power will I be able to seek God's Kingdom and not my kingdom...

This was the confirmation that I had received from God. Since then, God has kept to His Word. My failures, my accomplishments, things that I have done, this doesn’t make up my identity anymore. Jesus Christ and what He has done and who He is, this is my identity. I am like the beggar and blind man Bartimaeus  who was off the road crying to Jesus to have mercy on Him, crying for Jesus to restore his sight. In the end, Mark 10:52 says, "Immediately he regained his sight and began following Him on the road." As Jesus healed me and saved me, it is Jesus and I who are together on the road. I don’t know where I am going, but knowing Jesus is with me it doesn’t matter anymore. This is the true freedom that I have found in Christ and I can only praise God for the great things that He has done. Not by my works nor by my strength, but by His wonderful and amazing power and grace. Thank you God, that even before I graduated college that You had the plan to save me. Graduating does not compare to the glory of how You have saved me. Thank you Jesus, my Lord, My God, my King. Amen.